Sunday, February 24, 2013

Emotional Hair


Emotional Hair

Do we as woman create an emotional attachment to our hair? I wonder why when women get their hair cut there are tears, heavy breathing, taken moments to brace oneself for the scissors’ to do their job.  Have we formed a relationship with our hair split ends and all that we refuse to let go of even it its damaging? The beautician explained to me that she has clients that do not want to trim their hair. They hold on to those dead ends of hair like they hold on to dead end relationships. Why? To create the illusion of length like we create the illusion of a perfect relation or life knowing there is damage that needs to cut off. Change is good. We need to embrace it.

I recently went from this....




 To this....


 

I cut my hair off. All of it! 

And I couldn't feel more sexier and empowered. My confidence has sky rocketed. Could it be that the lingering feelings for the guy that broke my heart have left with each cut of the scissors? Could it be the remnants of him running his hand through my hair have left with each snip? Or could it be the stress I endured during the years I have maintained my long hair have gone in the trash with each lock? I don’t know, but I feel free. I feel light. I feel sexy, as if a weight; a burden has been swept away. It's all been swept away like the hair on the floor of the salon. Was I carrying all those emotions in my hair? If that's all it took to feel as amazing as I feel now I should have chopped it all off sooner!

Friday, February 22, 2013

Requirements of a stepparent gone wrong


So I took part in a blog and it appears I have gotten my blog locked.
I’ve been a bad girl in the blogger sphere world.
My initial post was about adjusting to change in ones family dynamics to which someone replied with this.
This post is much longer because a third party joined and had my blog blocked. 

Her reply

I see, I am a firm believer in trying to keep kids emotionally intact. But at the same time if a step parent over steps and steps on the other parent's toes, you get into dicey situations... I am a stepmother. My stepdaughter has a mother and a father. If for some reason my husband dies or is in jail. that child is no longer my responsibility. the child goes back to the mother's home. she has a mother... she does not need 2. As a stepmother it is not my responsibility to wake up at 5am with the kids. if the child hungry the father needs to get up and feed them. I may choose to, out of love for my husband, but it is not required. this is his child from his past mistake.

My reply

Your response seems to be purely off assumptions. I've never made the statement that im a step mom or even referenced that for that matter. That's not the situation im involved in. I completely understand your viewpoints on step-parenthood. I personally believe that it takes a village to raise a child and the more willing capable adults a child has in their life the better off they are in the long run. Stepmothers, fathers and significantly older siblings are a great addition to a child’s life.

Her reply

I am just stating what I am, I couldn't understand where you were coming from in your post. I was trying to answer a extremely vague question to the best of my abilities. I agree that step parents are great additions to a family. but they shouldn't bare the burden of raising another person's child when they don't get sleep that is needed to function adequately. the parents need to fill majority of the roles. step parents are there to step in when needed. you don't NEED to wake up at 5am just because the father is too tired... this is part of being a parent... the parent's need to step up. a step parent can take the kinder roles such as art projects and make overs... you can play cowboys and Indians... you can give cuddles and hugs, you can bandage knees and kiss boo boos, but you do not HAVE to drop kids off at school, wake up at the crack of dawn, make extravagant breakfasts... this you do not have to do... you didn't make the mistake so many years ago, and you do not have to carry the burden, this is the parent's job.


My reply

I must say I completely disagree with you. The more I read your post the happier I am to NOT be a male with children that would be dating you. Not everyone who has children are parents by accident. I am sorry to the man with children that ends up dating or marrying you. Your views are do far left it's ridiculous. You come off as a very selfish individual. You clearly show favoritism. People with children come as a package deal. You choose that life by agreeing to be with that man with children. Woman up to the challenges you agreed to. All challenges including 5 am feeding. It's an all or nothing kind of thing. Its simple you love me; you love my children as well. If you enter into a relationship with children you are creating a blended family. You are agreeing to take on all responsibility as a parent. You do not get to pick and choose what love you give. You should not enter into a relationship with conditional love. I read this quote the other day and it reminded me of you. "You can't support any actions that keep a man from his children of a previous marriage. These are the situations that separate the women from the girls. Your behavior is that of an insecure child who needs to recognize her own weaknesses that MUST be strengthened to take on the task at hand. We can't say we love our man and then come in between him and his children. THAT'S selfishness...NOT love. WOMAN UP... I've been there...I know. My blended family made me a giant… Taught me so much about love, commitment and it has been the biggest ego death to date." This is what you may have signed up for.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Chores and allowance


Chores and allowance
 
Giving children chores can only benefit them in the future and take some of the load off the parents. As a parent you will help create a child into a self-reliant and responsible as they grow into young adults. It is best to start children off with chores when they are young.  When they are younger they are more eager to please and be mommy or daddy’s little helper.  Giving them the responsibility of cleaning up their own toys is a great start for a toddler.
As a parent it can feel as a bother to have children in an area as we work such as cooking or doing laundry, but if we incorporate the child in what we are doing not only will you be spending quality time you but also you will be teaching your child responsibility. For example when you are cooking you can ask your 4 year old to help you gather your ingredients from the pantry or refrigerator as well as helping you put them back when you are done. New research shows it can be as simple as having them set the table, help with the laundry, pick up their toys and take out the garbage. Giving kids chores can give a child a sense of being part of the household "team."

Parents are just instituting responsibilities; they may want to pick out age-appropriate tasks for each child. Toddlers help out around the house with simple tasks, like putting away their shoes and toys. Also, 2- or 3-year-olds can be messengers, helping one parent bring something to the other parent in another room. You want to make sure you start assigning chores and responsibilities early on, or else you'll be met with resistance. Children can start to contribute more by helping their parents and older siblings with bigger tasks like picking up around the house. Children in elementary school (ages 7, 8, 9 and 10) are old enough to help care for their younger siblings with adult supervision. As the child gets older the chores become or complex such as helping with laundry, preparing dinner or doing dishes and yard work. Always try to highlight the benifits in helping out around the house rather than forcing them to help. It'll create a positive outlook on chores for them. 
Giving kids chores can build self-esteem. Giving kids chores can teach the importance of completing an assigned job. Giving kids chores can emphasize the value of keeping things clean and organized. Giving kids chores can set a pattern of helping around the house. Once you get your child into the household chore habit, it’ll become a part of their life that will continue into the teen years and beyond.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Change


A change

Sometimes things change within a family. Parents’ may go through a divorce, maybe there is a death or some sort of separation within the family. As parents we may not be aware of the effect it is having on our children. We expect them to adjust and deal with the new way of life with ease. Why? Well, maybe because we think we are or maybe because we said so. Children are resilient but they need adjusting time and talks as well. Children need time to process the changes with a new family structure.  Often times parents who may not be dealing with their own issues of anger, frustration or betrayal from the change they tend to use the children as a pawn.   The parent may unknowingly or carelessly place the children in the middle of the animosity between each other. These actions cause serious harm to children and are very likely to have long term effects on a child.

It’s only natural for children to wish for “the way it used to be”. Children have feelings of desertion, separation issue, anger and sadness to name a few.  Maybe they will feel unloved and blame themselves for whatever issue is happening within the family. The hardest part is helping the children adjust as well as helping oneself.

I recently “inherited” 3 additional children on top of the two I already have.  Modifying, adjusting, altering to the new changes was what appeared to be easy at first. As time went on it became tiresome. I began to experience late nights and early mornings and not the enjoyable kinds either.  There were more mouths to feed and their bellies seemed bottomless, more laundry to do and the house became messier faster. How was one to keep up with these daily chores? Not to mention the emotional strain to try and maintain a happy positive disposition when at times all you wanted to do was sleep.

I tried to implement the new kids into the already established family structure I have within my home but of course they are used to what they know. Emotions come into play tempers build tears fall and all I can ask myself is “Can is can I blame them? No. change is not always easy but love is. And that’s what you do. You love each one individually because they are each their own person with their own wants needs and desires. And you love them as a whole because we are family living under one roof making the best of a bad situation. I talk and talk and talk some more. I’m surprised I haven’t lost my voice yet. I have turned into a loving drill Sargent giving out hugs and kisses and orders.  I began to delegate chores to each child removing some of the burden from myself.  There is a lot of turn taking and sharing going on. We have cooking lessons on weekends usually during brunch because I refuse to wake up super early if I do not have to. The children can wait a few extra hours and have a bigger meal later.  There is an order when it comes to using the bathroom in the morning before school and at night before bed. It helps avoid the pile up that can happen when brushing teeth and it assures everyone gets clean each day.

Naturally you have your challenges and refusal to do things but hey that’s why they invented punishments. No video games, no TV, no extra treats or whatever other clever way I can deprive them of their “needs” in order to get them to do what they are supposed to do.  I say “DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO SO YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!”

Over all I can say the biggest challenge I have experienced throughout this entire ordeal is lack of sleep!!!  Hey it’s a small price to pay to when making sure I have a group of emotionally balanced kids.

Maybe I should mind my business and just let my kids fight.


Maybe I should mind my business and just let my kids fight. According to psychoanalyst Erik Erikson by parents butting into the business of their children’s squabbles turns it into a triangle. “When children get into a struggle and underlying guilt makes parents feel that they must protect one or the other. The children’s rivalry is fueled by the goal of getting parents involved. “

Actually we parents started the whole thing by having another child and allowing them to invade on the space and love we have with our 1st child. How dare us!

It all started when I said I’m having another baby. The tears welled up in my sons face and he cried out a big ole WHYYYYYYY! He felt his world was crumbling down right before his 5yr old eyes. He was a great help throughout the entire pregnancy. We were very close. When the baby was born I was careful to give him his own quality time as well as time with the baby being my big helper. Now let’s fast forward to the present day.  

Dealing with the age difference of my kids!! Argh! You have no idea or maybe you do. One is 10 going on 5 and the other is 5 going on 10.

My oldest wants to at times be the baby or too much of an adult or authority figure over his brother and even me! Oh, the power struggle! Clearly, he is confused.

Not saying my oldest is a bad kid. Ooh no not at all. He is an amazingly great big brother and son. He helps around the house. He is super intelligent. (He is a history buff) He helps with his little brother he guides and teaches him.  He is simply amazing until something happens and sibling rivalry begins.

My youngest seems to be the one to remember every single thing you ever told him in his 5years of life and won’t let you forget. He loves to remind you of the rules you set for them. Not myself because of course I’m the parent.  (I know you must lead by example for the most part I do until I don’t feel like it.) So when I say wait 5mins I really mean I’ll get to it when I feel like it. Don’t tell that to the 5yr old that can tell time because he will come back to you in exactly 5 minutes telling you” But you said 5mins at 11:55 it’s 12:00!!” My youngest listens and follows rules and is the understanding kid. He too is a great little brother who helps around the house. He is also very intelligent. Just as his big brother helps him he helps his big brother.  He is also simply amazing until something happens and sibling rivalry begins. I hear only one thing…or may a few things.

MAAAA!

Stop!

NOO!

I’m telling!

Ah ha!

It’s mine!

You can’t touch my stuff!

You Cheated!

And so on!
So the question is how do I be fair and avoid favoritism? How do I avoid creating the triangle that Erik Erikson speaks of?  It’s almost unavoidable. Almost because I usually say to my oldest is older he should know better. My youngest is not as innocent as he big eyes and pout lips make him appear either. So I came up with the solution if you cannot solve it together as a team you both are in trouble suffering the same consequences of my choosing. Now you boys decide. They both look at me with a blank stare than to each other and walk away.  Problem solved. No favorites over here.